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Have you ever been haunted by the question, “Why did this happen to me?” It’s a question that lingers when someone we care about hurts us, or even when a stranger’s actions leave us feeling wounded. In those moments, our minds rush to make sense of the pain, searching for explanations that might ease the hurt. Yet, this search for “why” can often leave us feeling even more confused and hurt.
If you’re ready to explore the path of acceptance and healing, this journey is for you.
We all have memories that come back to haunt us—unresolved experiences, often buried deep, that may resurface unexpectedly. Perhaps it was a parent or trusted friend who let us down, or a difficult breakup, or the sudden loss of a job. Each painful moment can trigger that familiar, aching question: “Why did this happen to me?”
Reflecting on my own past, I remember experiences that shaped my understanding of pain.
When I was a minor, I endured some unpleasant experiences with a parent. There were moments when my pants were pulled down, and I was beaten with a leather belt until I would admit to lying. Even when I continued to deny it, there would sometimes be apologies from my parent afterward, despite leaving me bloody and unable to sit properly. Throughout my upbringing, I repeatedly faced accusations of deceit, leading to punishment.
This led me to develop a strong aversion to lies as an adult.
As a child, I often wondered why I was subjected to such punishment and why my honesty was dismissed. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized my parent’s behavior was influenced by their own childhood experiences, which had likely been passed down from my grandparent and, subsequently, to them from my great-grandparent. I understood that if I didn’t take the time to heal, I might unintentionally pass this cycle of pain to the next generation.
Fortunately, I recognized what was happening and chose to shift my focus from asking "why" to asking "how" I could heal this trauma and improve myself. I wanted to ensure that the next generation would not experience the same hardships I did. Through this journey of self-discovery and healing, I am proud to say that I have succeeded. It’s not about the "why" anymore; instead, it’s about acceptance. I cannot change the past, but I can influence my future by becoming a better person rather than perpetuating the cycle of hurt.
We seek solace in the explanations given by those who have hurt us, but the truth is, their reasons often fail to bring us any real comfort. When faced with painful memories or actions, we might hear justifications like "I was unhappy," or "I couldn't deal with it." Or maybe even denial of doing it, along with attempts to manipulate you into doubting what has happened. Yet, these responses can feel hollow and often leave us searching for answers that remain elusive.
It’s crucial to recognize that the cycle of hurt often stems from a chain of experiences that extend beyond our immediate situation. This is where the acceptance and healing journey begins—by understanding that those who hurt us may also be carrying the weight of past trauma, passed down through generations. Many times, people may not even fully grasp the reasons behind their behavior.
You also have hurt someone before. If the person you hurt were to ask you, "Why did you do that to me?" be honest: there are things we do that are not completely clear to us either. Now, if we cannot explain certain actions, how can we expect someone else to explain everything to us? We can also not always explain things as we have an ego—an ego that often prefers to maintain its strength instead of showing vulnerability. The ego handles from fear while intuition operates from a place of knowing. However, the moment we become more mindful of our lives, we might also begin to understand why we did what we did.
This generational echo, where pain is passed down through familial lines, is illustrated beautifully by the cradle of Newton, where each "ball" represents the experiences of the previous generation influencing the next. The patterns of behavior we exhibit are often reflections of what we’ve encountered in our upbringing. When we understand this, it becomes clear that the actions taken against us are not solely about us; they are often projections of unresolved issues from another person's life.
While delving into the complexities of these interpersonal dynamics can be enlightening, it does not necessarily answer our burning question: Why? Unfortunately, the truth is that some questions may never have definitive answers. Clinging to this question can keep us stuck in a loop of pain and resentment.
So, how do we move forward? The key lies in acceptance. Accepting what has happened—acknowledging the pain, the betrayal, and the hurt—is a powerful step toward healing.
It allows us to begin the process of letting go and ultimately finding peace.
When we get stuck in the past, fixated on the injustices we’ve suffered, we lose sight of our own agency. It is essential to take a moment to reflect on ourselves rather than continuously fixate on the actions of others. This is where mindfulness comes into play.
Mindfulness is woven into the fabric of everyday life; it’s more than just a seated practice.
Whether we are walking, talking, eating, sitting, driving, or even just lying down and relaxing, we can engage in mindful awareness. In fact, I personally believe that meditation is not confined to seated practices but can be integrated throughout the day. Over the years, I have learned from several teachers during Vipassana meditation retreats, each offering unique insights. One of the most effective techniques I've found involves maintaining a focus on your breath.
Always keep your mind focused on your breath; whenever your mind starts to wander or tries to control you, take back control and steer your focus back to your breathing. Unless when you're walking, follow the rhythm of your steps: left, right, left, right. Or, when eating, be mindful of each action—lifting your hand, moving your hand, opening your mouth, closing your mouth, bringing your hand back, chewing—pay attention to every detail of the process. I understand you might not do this step in your life as it might take too much of your time; instead of eating an apple in, say, five minutes, this technique might extend that to about twenty minutes. Try to be mindful—avoid distractions like your phone, talking, or reading while you eat. I center myself in mindful awareness when driving, sitting, talking, or listening. If my mind drifts to a memory or thought, I simply note it (as written in the PDF - if you rather don't download but read online click here).
This practice helps me stay present in the moment and enables me to maintain control over my mind rather than letting the mind control me.
Ultimately, the person best equipped to answer the question of "why" is you. Instead of placing the burden on others to bring clarity, focus on your journey of understanding. Embrace the moments of pain, but also empower yourself with the realization that healing starts from within.
In conclusion, while it’s natural to ask "why" when faced with hurt, the path to forgiveness and moving forward lies in acceptance and self-reflection. By integrating mindfulness into our lives, we can navigate our thoughts with greater awareness and compassion. Embrace this transformative process and allow yourself to heal—because the answers you seek are often found within.
Take a moment today to observe your own breath, grounding yourself in the present. In your own acceptance and healing journey, remember that the answers you seek are often found within.
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